meej: Saul Tigh is my homeboy (tigh)
[personal profile] meej


My problem mostly is that I'm squeamish. I've seen the movies and all the horrible pictures of what happens when you cut into yourself, and so really just the thought of it is enough to evict for a little while, and if you cut deeply enough so that it hurts enough to be worthwhile, that's deep enough to damage, and that's time just spent lying around feeling useless and rage-fevered, unless you were blessed with superhuman fortitude like unto Porcia Catone, and if you were that fortified, you do not look at a knife for a tool drawn inwards.

So you bubble and you squeak, and you think: but exposure to open air helps, passive blue becomes vibrant red upon letting the oxygen hit it, and you think, the pen is mightier than the sword, so cut that way, and you look at the page, the open empty yawning page, and you bleed on it, and it's not deep enough, oh god damn you are so fucking pretentiously recursive, circling like a shark who avoids commitments, and you slice a little bit sideways with the unfinished novels, and you tug at the sucking edges of the wound because let's not forget the useless degree, and it's kind of interesting to see the subdermal layer of fat lying on top of the muscle - so that's what it looks like - and scraping at that a little gets at the laziness.

And you know this isn't working, but a real knife has unpleasant consequences, and hospitals are breeding grounds for disease and overworked nurses, and I don't like the ending, and one of my English professors told me that Emily Dickinson's poems were all metered out as if she were being strangled, and gasping.

Fucking show off.
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meej

May 2013

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